I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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