Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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