i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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