The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
