I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
