Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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