wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
