im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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