I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
