??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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