I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
