He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
