So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
