dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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