Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
