My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
