eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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