you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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