I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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