Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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