Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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