im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just found puke in my bra..
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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