nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
