i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
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