I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
