Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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