Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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