Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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