So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
