last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
