I love black thongs
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I looked at my own cervix.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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