Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
