I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
sex in a hospital.. check
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
