The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
