A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
