i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Are we still banned from the library?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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