Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
