There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
