you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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