Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
