JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
