my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
