I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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