We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
