I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
