Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
