i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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