I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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