so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
