she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
