I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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